Let Them Sing
EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
Level completed: 18%,
EXP required for next Level: 14,892
Judge's note: as this submission pre-dates the rule change on judgments, it will be done using the old full rubric format.
Judgment
Breaker and Philomel, I’d like to start by thanking you for what has been an excellent story to read. I have always enjoyed your individual work and so I came into this with high expectations. Neither of you disappointed me. Due to the quality of this thread you may find a bit of my commentary is nit-picky.
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Plot: 19/30
• Story- 7/10
I would like to open my commentary by saying I was absolutely astonished to find out that the story hadn’t really had any sort of pre-planned structure. It reads almost as if the thread was carefully thought out and planned, such was the cohesion, and that in itself is as high a compliment as I can give you on the structure of an “off-the-cuff†thread.
You opened with a scene that introduced the reader to a manuscript being investigated by Philomel, thus providing an immediate objective without giving too much away, before elaborating further via flashbacks. Early on I felt that the item hunting theme was perhaps a little “tropeyâ€, and not particularly original, but I soon discovered this did not at all stop me from enjoying the flesh of the plot once I dived in, especially when Feardon and No-One entered the fray.
As the thread continued, you flecked your tale with action broken up by more muted but important scenes, which is something I think many authors overlook. It was those scenes that I felt perhaps most impressed by your infusion of Althanian lore into the story. On more than one occasion you eluded to the lingering effects of the Forgotten One Pode on the forest of Lindqualme, which dives into lore established back on Althanas 3.1, and made them relevant to the plot. As I expected, Am’aleh, Drys and Suravani were central to the driving of the plot and played important roles in not only driving the story forward when required, but ensuring there was a sensible and coherent method of communication between Philomel and Cronen that would otherwise have looked out of place. All of these bits were drawn from pre-existing lore and really enhanced the read.
Probably due to the length of the thread, I felt that the rising and falling action were a bit inconsistent. For example, Breaker’s confrontation with the Mauls were well written and over in a decent timescale but the rest of the action on the story was a little slow on the upswing. However, the thread made for a very easy read. Rarely was I bored, or bogged down by too much action, or too little; it just took a bit of time to get to those moments of juicy crescendo.
One last note: Breaker, whenever I do a judgment for you, one of the subjects I always bat on about is the lack of challenge you give Cronen. On this occasion, I felt that Philomel’s involvement helped to temper that and her own vulnerability (or mortality, whichever way you look at it) still presented enough questions to not make the thread too predictable or boring. I’m glad that you were able to demonstrate Cronen’s superiority in a way which didn’t detract from the plot.
• Setting- 6/10
Setting was a strong area for you both, and as such I won’t be providing too much feedback here bar a couple of points to think about. You both did an excellent job of describing the Red Forest, and one particular sentence by Philomel caught my eye:
“The trees were still hungry, the bark still as rust-hued as dried blood; the atmosphere still as uncertainâ€
I could feel as if I were there in Lindqualme as I read along and this is testament to both your skills in this area. On the flip side, while your setting was immersive, I did not think you really used it to your advantage and it felt as if you were “playing inside the box†rather than adapting it for your use. There was a post early on by Breaker which described him cleansing a section of the forest, but overall how could you have used the surroundings to tell more about your characters? You defined the setting, and your characters acted within it. What more could you have done to give your setting more meaning?
• Pacing- 6/10
As I alluded to in the story commentary, I felt that both the length of the thread and the general lie of it made it a bit inconsistent when considering the pace. Whilst the story ticked the most important boxes (a clear start, middle, end, or climax); I was never sure if I was to be rushing or taking a breather.
The opening posts dragged their heels a bit, but there were a few spots where pacing felt great, mostly the fight scenes. When it comes to combat, I stick by the rule that less is more. A few well-written sentences of action can be far more effective than an entire paragraph, keeping the reader along for the ride the entire time. Too much, and you leave your audience bogged down by what may be unnecessary drivel. I felt that your fight scenes were very well written, gifting the reader fast and exciting moments of action.
Finally, I felt that acquiring the Lyre was a bit rushed, when compared to the rest of the thread. Considering the sheer implied power of the artefact, and what enormous role it played in your thread, I feel it could have used a bit more attention. Part of this could have come from more information about it, whether that be its intended use, or Drys giving more background on the Lyre (such as what it actually does). Again, perhaps a little bit nit-picky, but my thoughts nonetheless.
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Character: 24/30
• Communication- 8/10
When it came to communication, I had very few concerns. Both of you write your characters well, and because of the connection between Cronen / Phi and their respective deities, the way that they communicate makes sense. I’d like to see more quirks, catch phrases, or unique speech patterns to give your dialogue some additional flare, but what you did have, for the most part, was solid.
I would encourage you both to check your characters for overly-cliche dialogue. A few lines in this thread just felt outrageously trope. Breaker, you are an incredible writer and a fantastic friend, but I couldn’t help but laugh when I read "Lyre bearer!" He cried, "Finish this evil one!" in post thirty two. It felt like something out of an old Masters of the Universe episode. Perhaps I am being a bit harsh, because Joshua is a straight arrow, but it felt as if he were expressing himself just a little too “knighltlyâ€.
• Action-7/10
For the most part, your action was really good. You both did a fantastic job of exhibiting your powers and outlining your characters' weaknesses and limits, despite the challenge you had to overcome of being at the levels you are at. Limits are incorporated into character profiles for a reason, but more importantly, good writers know how to weave them and their strengths into a more believable tale. Breaker’s fight with the dust Golems, for example, was very well done. Considering that he probably could have drawn from an array of his talents to combat them, I felt you limited him just right here and used intelligent writing to fight them. Philomel, your combat scenes are always very well written and this thread was no exception. Everything from the enraged bleating to the way you describe her confrontations create this aura around her that makes the Faun a uniquely intimidating entity.
Your action score is a bit lower than you might like, however, due to the concerns that I raised in the commentary on pacing. There were a few cases when both of your action felt a bit drawn out.
• Persona- 9/10
Again, this will probably be an are with light feedback. Although I am well acquainted with both Joshua Cronen and Philomel van der Aart, I always try to focus purely on what the thread presents. Even forgetting everything I already know, I was able to get such a good feel for who your characters were, especially with the benefit of the longer story. The reflections on their goal, and their shared devotion to their respective goddesses were well done as well. As for consistency, which is equally as important, I would say you both did a nice job. There were a few parts that I really enjoyed, such as Cronen taking care of an exhausted Philomel, and the Faun’s persona changing in accordance with her various forms is a nice touch that always helps to add colour and depth to her overall character.
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Prose: 24/30
• Mechanics- 7/10
Though you are both excellent writers, and clearly care about mechanics, I found more errors in this thread than I would have expected and unfortunately the vast majority were by Philomel. There were more than a few obvious spelling and grammatical errors: "Embarress" was used instead of "Embarrass" in post nine. “Forgotten's Ones†instead of “Forgotten One’s†in post five. Even with a thorough read-through, these small elements might be missed and I always recommend a quick spell check to eliminate these types of errors.
That being said, Phi, the way you structured your sentences and paragraphs were actually very good indeed and helped to break up larger portions of the story. Breaker, the most praise is reserved for you here, as your posts were quite literally error free. You have a fantastic command of the English language and it is actually quite hard to give you any meaningful advice here so I’ll instead say “keep it up, sunshine.â€
• Clarity- 9/10
The one thing I like about the both of you, both individually and collectively is the clarity of your threads. Rarely do I happen upon anything you’ve written and find myself re-reading a post to grasp a plot device, or feel unsure as to what a piece of dialogue means or refers to. Very well done here indeed. The only slight on the score stems from a scene with Delath near the beginning where I had to re-check exactly what he was doing, and even then I feel I’m being overly harsh.
• Technique- 8/10
When it comes to assessing your technique, this is the part I most enjoy about judging your writing as you are both absolutely fantastic in this area and I often use you both as inspiration for my own writing. As was the case with my previous judgments for you both, I really liked the techniques you both employed in this particular thread. I was very excited by the foreshadowing at the end of the first post with regards to the Lyre, especially as it was preceded by a lovely little recital from a manuscript. There were also some very nice metaphors (such as the one I highlighted above regarding the Red Forest trees), something you both have a knack for. You're also both very skilled at using that internal monologue to your advantage, although I would caution against being too generic with your tones – something which I think is exceptionally difficult to avoid, but done right is also an opportunity to really add flair to both your character and the overall quality of the read.
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Wildcard: 8/10
I’d like to use the wildcard to issue a little apology to you both. Reading back through my commentary, it comes across that I didn’t enjoy the Lyre as much as I actually did. Considering that the majority of this thread was an improvised collaboration, it was very well written and looked, at times, planned. Thank you for letting me judge this enjoyable story!
Final score: 75
Congratulations!
Philomel receives 4125 EXP and 283 GP, as well as the below spoil:
Philomel gains an icecraft cloak made by Breaker, composed of ice, Fealotë blossom and plant, and magic. It is described as follows: "The water became molten ice, and shaped slowly into the form of a hooded cloak, suspended in the air. Josh reached out and grasped it with both hands. It was warm to touch, made so by Drys' love. It was light as silk, made so by Suravani's brilliance. It was strong as steel, made so by Breaker's might. And yet it fluttered in the wind like any fabric, as soft and fragrant as the Fealotë blended within."
Breaker receives 5510 EXP and uses his GP to pay for the spoil as requested!
In addition, this thread receives a JC nomination!
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