Forget the crisis on the Korean Peninsula; someone just pushed the Shin nuclear button.

Before I start, I would like to point out that it takes a long and concerted effort to get me angry to this level, a pace I have been perhaps once in my life. If you are one of the unfortunate people to have made it to that very small hall of shame, you've had (or are going to have) a bad time.

I'll tell this story the way I told it to Shelby. I appreciate this might be a "tl;dr" but whatever.

As some of you will know, I am an accountant by trade. Part of my job is that I operate payroll for my clients. This means that I make sure they get their payslips, take care of any tax and national insurance deductions and ensure people are being paid the right amount of money. All this has to be done in accordance with law set out by the HM Revenue and Customs (our version of the IRS).

For clients who are builders, and who use subcontractors (people like plasterers, scaffolders and suchlike), things work a little differently. The HMRC tell our client what percentage to deduct from their workers. The client then pays this over to the HMRC.

In this example, my client (let's call him Scott) was told by his worker (let's call him Fuckface) that the HMRC were deducting 20% tax from him. Scott, taking his word for it (I know.....) deducts the 20% when he pays him, as he should, but finds out the HMRC actually want to deduct 30% from Fuckface.

Scott pays (correctly) the HMRC 30%, Fuckface has only been deducted 20%, so Fuckface owes Scott 10% and has to argue the toss with the HMRC later on after paying Scott.

Fuckface, to no-one's great surprise, doesn't.

After months of chasing the 10%, Fuckface's accountant (let's call him Mr Happy) phones me up. It happens to be an accountant in the area who has been leaking clients to us for years, and in great quantities (so much so we have had to take on another member of staff to cope).

Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Mr Happy: "I demand to know why Fuckface has to pay Scott 10%"

Me: "Sure, I can explain. Basically the HMRC informed us to deduct 30% at the time the payment was made. It's been straightened out now to 20%, but in May it was 30% and legally we had to oblige. Your client only paid over 20%, so he owes Scott 10% and needs to claim it back from HMRC."

Mr Happy: "But Fuckface has been on 20% for six years"

Me: "That may be the case, but the HMRC instructed us to deduct 30%. I have no doubt your client is right, but it is for him to argue with HMRC, not Scott. He needs to pay 10% to Scott and claim it back via HMRC"

Mr Happy (aggressive tone): "I'm fucking sorry but I think I know the HMRC better than you do, son. My client is not going to pay Scott 10% and I'm not being told by some snotty nosed junior* that the HMRC are right!"

Me: "Firstly, Mr Happy, I am a full member of the Association of Accounting Technicians and a part-qualified chartered accountant, not a junior. Secondly, I have been operating the CIS scheme now for clients for ten years. I do understand your frustration, but as you well know we have to comply with the law here and enforce HMRC guidelines. All I want to do is resolve the situation professionally."

Out comes a tirade of abuse aimed at me that I won't print here.

Eventually, after ten more minutes of threatening us with court action () I told him straight.

Me: "Look, this unprofessional attitude is EXACTLY why people are coming to us from you. Your attitude is a disgrace and I am not putting up with this. When you can find the time to approach the issue as a professional, I will be happy to find a solution but until ten I refuse to deal with you."

Mr Happy then drives to our office to have it out with me!

Didn't go the way he wanted it to. My boss is also my father, who had been listening to this quite keenly. When this total dickhead arrived at my office, he threatened to knock me out! Shin Senior steps in and quietly reminds this absolute weapon that his client is in fact breaking the law and not only can he be reported, but if he continues to carry on down this path he'll be facing both slander and verbal assault charges.

Police come down to get this turd off our premises, and send the three toed mutant on his way.

Later turns out that another client he lost to us is reporting him for making up his accounts for a mortgage application.

Stupid c**t.