(Open) Let's Flex

[Philomel]

Thread Title:
Judgment Type:
Participants:


Plot:
Hayate: 21/30
Shinsou: 22/30


Story-
Hayate: 8
Shinsou: 7

Hayate: What seems to be here is a story of Hayate and a journey he goes on. It is introduced beautifully, with a good background, and then has a fight that builds as time goes on and allows for some back and forth fighting, where both of you take blows well. You manage to keep a hold of who Hayate is and build on his awe of Shinsou throughout, and so do character development in the fight, which is both dramatic and strong. This is often hard to do, and you have brought your character in Althanas very well. What was missing in some terms was more of an exact way of how this fits into the overall picture of Hayate, and the story of the fight itself, though this was touched on.

Shinsou: What would have been good is to have some explanation as to who 'Soap' is. You simply have Shinsou consider “If Soap was dishing him names, it could only mean ...” in post one, but do not explain or hint why that means what it does in terms of Soap, even though he is very present as a character in the last post. The story you build itself is powerful, with a lot of twists and turns in the fight, from winning, to almost losing and then gaining the upper hand again. It is exciting and enticing and does not disappoint. There is a small amount of character development here, which is good, though balancing this with the overall fight may be something to think about for future.

Setting-
Hayate: 7
Shinsou: 7

Hayate: In terms of setting your character, you do this amazingly. You introduce Hayate very clearly, of where he comes from and why he is in the Citadel, what his background is and not in too many or too few words. This forms a strong basis for your story within and plot. What would have been good, however, is more detail into the arena at the beginning – you touch on it very lightly. You stagger back a few times in the thread but do not seem to come across the void, which would have made the thread interesting. Try to remain conscious of your surroundings and also describe it through your thread more.

Shinsou: Opening with the comments over the Silver Cup is powerful, and you reflect on how important it is for your character, and add things such as the personality of the barkeep. Though there is not much physical description it is a good overall setting. From there you go into the arena, and again as similar to Hayate it would have been good to see some more depth into it, but you did connect it with your character's history which is good. You also continue to mention and describe the arena (post 6 with “flat, featureless chamber”), though more here would have been good, and using it to your advantage.

Pacing-
Hayate: 6
Shinsou: 8

Hayate: Pacing is jarred at times by odd sentences that, although connect to the general idea of what is going on, distract from the action of the thread. For instance in post three you comment about what the mask looks like as Hayate lifts it up, in a full sentence and in the middle of first intruding your characters to each other. Here the description could have been more intertwined into the previous sentence, or elsewhere. In some places this does work, however, such as the end of post three where your character gets ready for fighting, and you describe exactly the movements of what he does. What is common in your writing is using a similar paragraphing length and it would be good to see you experiment with variety going on from here.

Shinsou: Your pacing starts off very fine, with a steady build up to your character entering the arena (“four hours later” in post one) with no over-explanation of anything here. Paragraphing is a great skill of yours and you show it off – they are varied in length and use it for power more than anything. You build at the right points, and lose tension at the right ones; a way you could improve from here though is delving into the idea of single and multiple syllable words for precisely this technique.



Character:
Hayate: 19/30
Shinsou: 24/30


Communication-
Hayate: 7
Shinsou: 8

Hayate: There is a very definite politeness of Hayate, that links to your shogunate background, and the nobility and honour linked therein that is good to see. You also keep this constant, with very little deviation from it. There are some odd parts such as, “Don’t mock us!” in post five where it is unclear as to what you are responding to, or if it is simply a statement. You also could have done with perhaps more communication, even between Hayate and his avatar, which you only pick up on at the end.

Shinsou: There are some good strengths of your communication from the start, with such notes as, “Never heard of him, and what exactly does Soap mean by "a good fit"?” that give your character a definite voice from the opening post. This continues well, and you have poignant words that add to the build up of the fight, such as simply, “For now, focus." in post four. You also have a fine balance of persona, action and persona, and merge them well together. There are not many weak points here, though consistency does slip a couple of times, in terms of tone, for instance in the last post.


Action-
Hayate: 6
Shinsou: 8

Hayate: What you do very well in your writing is strongly show personality through action, using adjectives to punctuate exactly how he does things. In post 3 you write that Hayate, “violently reached for Yamato” and describe how he brings it over his head and gets into a fighting stance. Further actions such as taking some of the blows and knocking some of them show that you can balance your character in terms of being powerful, but also able to take hits. Small descriptions such as the “sweat” in post five works well. One thing to think about is reactions from here, of how your character emotionally and mentally, not just physically reacts to hits.
One thing you definitely need to watch is bunnying, also known as god-moding. It is not clear in places, but at times you do use words such as, "would latch on" instead on "might" which is directly stating that the hit will land. For combat this is generally frowned upon and you need to think about this.

Shinsou: There were some really nice pieces of intricate personality within your actions, such as the description of, “clutching the glass between finger and thumb” that shows personality of your character through it – there is a sense of a determined man who knows his own strengths. Action during fighting is definitely used to your advantage and it is good to see, even though you are considerably more powerful a character, that you take some hits and strive against the might of the other character. In post 6 also you have your character being surprise about the avatar of the Corpse King. This judge would have liked to perhaps seen some slower development of the fight building up; some sword stokes before going straight to Enpera Kurohitsugi. What is very good is the reality of losing blood, and the physical effects that you use as well as the possible threat of the Corpse King coming down on Shinsou's head that is very real in post ten.


Persona-
Hayate: 6
Shinsou: 8

Hayate: You have some excellent small bits of personality that shine through, from your character's internal thoughts (post 3, “Who was this Shinou?”) and what he wears (post 3, “a multi layered white robe”). Being in awe also of Shinsou is continued well, and is developed through the posts as they go on, especially in your conclusion posts where Hayate talks about him as some sort of sensei. There is a lot of power through your actions and the connection to the Corpse King that you reflect on and show well. One thing to think about though is using internal thought a lot more, which you touch on at the end but could really add to your posts, which does not specifically need to be speech, and also merging this more with the actual action that goes on (see last comment in action).

Shinsou: Persona can be seen through your writing – which is a difficult thing to do. What is precisely meant by this is that it is in the way you write as well as in the thoughts of your character: a good example of this is the area of post 1, 'It begged the questions what and why.' Here you do not specifically say it is Shinsou's thoughts, and merge with the general storytelling. There are also multiple examples of internal thought process – i.e. talking to one's self, which is a classic but always good to include. The persona also is brilliant shown in post six where Shinsou realises the connection. At some points you do lose the persona in favour for action, such as in post eight, but this is only a minor issue.

Prose:
Hayate: 18/30
Shinsou: 22/30


Mechanics-
Hayate: 6
Shinsou: 7

Hayate: There were no obvious spelling mistakes in your writing, which is always a strength. One issue that did come to sight, however is sometimes a strange mixture of punctuation. In post 1 there are a lot of either major or complex sentences with little commas. A comma would have, for instance helped between 'Quickly' and and 'the young,' and also 'last week' and 'when he' as the start of the fourth paragraph. A string of sentences can work, but variety is as powerful as correction. This latter point ties into technique. You also need to careful with capitals as they are missed every so often: post three you miss the capital from the first word of, “how do you know my name?”

Shinsou: Similar to Hayate you do not have many spelling mistakes, noticeable anyway, which is great. What can be seen as well is some impressive use of punctuation, such as semi-colons right from the start. You do have some small capitalisation points, such as “The Telgradian” in post 4 where it should strictly be a small 't' for “the”, unless Shinsou's title is 'The Telgradian.' Overall however you are fine and have some good mechanics.

Clarity-
Hayate: 5
Shinsou: 7

Hayate: Overall you are very clear and precise in what you write, without any confusion anywhere. The only areas where you can improve here are in trying to make things smoother (see pacing) and explaining more what is meant by, “Don’t mock us!” in post five (see communication). You also lose yourself in the action sometimes and this can lose effect, not being easy for the reader at all. These are the only major issues and you are mostly clear. These can be worked on by reading over your posts as a collective before submitting for judgement.

Shinsou: The major issue with clarity, as mentioned already, is with the introduction of Soap, who you mention more than once in the thread, but do not fully explain who this character is. For those who have not read your character before it can be confusing. Questions arise such as, 'why is Soap interested in Hayate?' Consider writing a small background history in one of your posts for this use. The rest, however, is good. You have no issues in explaining yourself clearly or getting carried away in the action and letting it rule your writing, but rather have a balance of it alongside technique and story.

Technique-
Hayate: 7
Shinsou: 8

Hayate: All in all you have a good strength in your technique. The judge here though was a little taken aback in your first post and in your first line when you use 'naïve' as a noun, rather than what it is actually – an adjective. It is an interesting stance on it, and is not unique, but something to research a little perhaps. You do have a good hold of repeating words for effect, such as in post one where you end a sentence with 'yearning' and then begin the next with it also. There are some odd bits of description, such as that of the mask in post 3 that do not seem to fit (see pacing). Some great sentences exist such as in post five with,”This was the power of the Amatsukami, this was the Avatar of War.” that add a lot to your character overall and let the reader know more about your character and his values and background. From here try using some more advanced imagery.

Shinsou: You have some lovely little pieces of description such as from post one, “nothing but emptiness and cold for all eternity in all directions,” that set a good tone. You have some great moments of showing how to use paragraphing effectively, with a small, single sentence one in post four that helps tension to rise: “It was time.” There are some excellent small other gems such as the description of your abilities: “forking tendrils of black and purple convulsed around each other “ in post ten. What would be good to add here are some similes and metaphors, though there are examples of personification.


Wildcard:
Hayate: 6/10
Shinsou: 6/10

Wild card here goes to a thread that has depth and power, and is definitely going to lead somewhere in terms of the story for both of them. It is a great introduction thread, as well as a great fight that did not disappoint anywhere. The reason for not more points is because there could maybe have been more suggestion for where the story might go, which has been established now – even one more post of them meeting after.

Final Scores:

Hayate: 64/100
Shinsou: 74/100

Hayate receives:

750 EXP!
50 GP!

Shinsou receives:

3125 EXP!
95 GP!

Congratulations!

“But remember, boy, that a kind act can sometimes be as powerful as a sword.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

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