Name of Thread: These Lonely Walls

Plot: 8 / 7

Story:

Flamebird – You build the story well in terms of tension, flowing from climbing the wall into the castle, to finding the sentinel and Hayate and into the fight itself. Each part is reacted to well, and adds character as well as plot. Thinking of things such as getting the blood possibly on Hayate is also clever, and adding it gives an extra layer of ingenious to the story.

Hayate – The addition of the sentinel added an extra layer of introduction to the story itself, and provided a good way to have your characters come together. This was written with enthusiasm which shows through your writing itself. Overall there is room for improvement in building up your tension in different ways, but you have strength in imagination.

Both: For you both the story of the thread is extremely strong, and you write a significant story together, that is focused towards the end. The conversation here through both action and communication adds to your characters significantly. Both of you write off from one another here well and build a plot together. The change of plot, from Felicity beign almost defeated to then it being Hayate was unexpected but a good twist, that has added to your score.

Setting: 8 / 7

Flamebird - In your opening post you give a clear indication that the setting is within the Citadel, and the general scenery of what your arena is. It is laid out very clearly, with particular measurements in place. There is effort here to make the setting interesting in itself, with description of getting into the castle itself. You also use some of the setting in aid of your plot itself, in particular post 9, where you mention the strong cracking, which helps to keep the idea of the area alive. You use this continuously into the end of the thread, strong and powerfully.

Hayate – You have some setting mentioned at the start, and it is kept up to flow some way into the piece, with the sentinel part of the setting itself, and this addition is really effective to adding to it. It would be good to keeping some more setting deeper into the story itself, going from this point, although it is focused on later towards the end, from post 12.

Pace: 7 / 6

Flamebird – Pacing is steady and effortless for you, keeping at a consistency with some short and long paragraphs that build tension to some extent. Overall, however you keep it to an equal level, and it is an area where you have strength. There is little to be added to here as you have good pacing as a skill, however there could have been some more rises and falls.

Hayate – For you pacing is a thing that you keep steady, and follow Felicity well. It is good and steady, with some rise and fall. What would be a way to improve from here is to start working on your sentence structure and paragraph sizes, which you have some hold on already, to build tension when you desire.

Character:

Communication: 8 / 7

Flamebird – There is a casual tone from Flamebird from the outset in her conversation with Hayate which offers some insight into her personality and state of mind. You do not use much communication for the meat of the fight, and this could be something to thing about adding to, however the focus that you have for the battle is on action and this does work well. Towards the end of the thread a form of personality is shared with some focus on her four sentences in post 13, that leads to the final foray, and demand to be faced, showing her spunk.

Hayate – What you have developed really well is the rhetoric between Hayate and Yamato, which has been worked on over time through your threads, giving a consistency and development to all of your stories. This communication, with the wisdom of Yamato and the warrior-like spirit of Hayate works exceptionally well, and shows their relationship (post 8 in particular). His tone outwardly is rather formal and carries a sense of honour for his character. In this spirit there is a little bit of confusion. One way to improve here could be to determine more significantly the 'voice' of your character.

Action: 8 / 8

Flamebird – With Fel’s actions you very clearly show her “carrying a moral code” as you described it. Small as well as large actions are engaged and used to your advantage here, from simple descriptions of “carefully observing” (post 3) the “scene” to the larger plot-assisting strikes. From post 5 you also describe these beautifully, with some precise words and allow for the other party to be able to make the decision whether or not to take the hits. Even in pain, and near defeat, also, with Felicity, you continue the thread, and keep the tension up. There is cleverness in Flamebird’s actions also, with the finding of Hayate’s weaknesses.

Hayate – You write action well, adding things to plot. You also take hits well, with the toxic blood, adding reality to your writing. One improvement is that you write that Hayate/Yamato is “trying” to hit, where in a previous thread you have bunnied this to some extent. This is a great thing to see. It is good to see how action also can help with tone of the piece and pacing. From where to improve here it could be good to see how you can show more personality through your actions.

Both: One thing that you do well together is reflect off one another's actions, and this helps improve your writing together. The reason why score here is not as high is because there was a great focus on action itself, whereas an effective combat thread is one that balances this with communication, develops plot and has a good pacing.

Persona: 7 / 7

Flamebird – Persona was particularly strong for Felicity with her thoughts and reaction to seeing Hayate fight the sentinel: “that’s my fight!” This shows her strong and wilful personality well. She also has a great reaction to Hayate himself, saying “he is super proper” with post 5. You further develop this with realisations of mistakes, and writing the piece from the mind of Flamebird, which helps effectively for the reader to understand her. This flows through internal though as well as writing in the piece itself, and though this can be improved on by developing the idea more, it is already very powerful.

Hayate – Where you have interior thoughts, these are also coupled with conversation with Yamato, and so persona is a mixture for you of both expression of self and communication. You marry these two well. His reaction to Flamebird is fitting, when he sees it as a “fit of rage” and you describe her actions as “lashed outwards blindly," and other reactions in the piece add to his personality and the reader's understanding of such. It would be good from here to see it threaded through the writing itself more, and this could be an area for which to expand.

Writing:

Mechanics: 9 / 6

Flamebird – What is clear is that you have made an effort to use mechanics to your advantage, and edit as you go. There is little to no mistakes, and there is the use of advanced punctuation to suit your piece, using it for pacing and for plot building (post one, use of ';' and '…').

Hayate – Spelling is mostly altogether there and you have a firm use of vocabulary and mostly correct punctuation. There are a couple of missing letters (post 1, “a number of meter” where it should be plural), another can be found in post 6 with “ill” where it should be “I’ll,” and there are a couple of spaces issues. This can jar and effect your writing, and can be helped with a read through before you post. If you have a look at Flamebird’s posts where she uses more advanced punctuation, then you can gain an idea of where to improve in this area.

Clarity: 9 / 8

Flamebird – Mostly there was no need to read back at all for your piece and what you explained was plain and provided an easy read. You make point to explain that Fel’s clothes are special to her and so cannot be destroyed by her own powers, which is great to see. Clarity is not an issue in terms of understanding what is going on, and you have direct way of speaking.

Hayate – From the outset you have clarity of where you are heading in terms of plot, and what Hayate’s intention’s are. You write in an obvious manner, showing what hits are intended for where. Some larger description could be used to expand on Yamato as an appearance more, to give more of an idea of what he looks like at different times. Clarity can be given in a good explanation for the relationship between your character and the spirit within him, however, and this adds to your score.

Technique: 8 / 7

Flamebird – You have a good hold of word choice throughout, using some more expanded vocabulary than seen in your previous thread and you have some gorgeous description: “red liquid painting her hand red” in post 7. You also use sentence structure fantastically well, to build up tension with some short, simple sentences, followed by complex ones. You use some alliteration, which helps and personification. Keep it up with adding more like this and you will only improve your writing.

Hayate – What is clear is your enthusiasm for the story and this is shown in your writing. It is clear that you have a grasp of technical language and are expanding on your vocabulary, with use of words such as, “titan” in post 10. There is a mixture of tones around Hayate in your narrative voice that are casual (post 4, “what have you”) as well as a formal one, and it would be good to gain some decision over which direction you which to carry with this part of writing and technique. Keep building on your vocabulary and using literary techniques.

Wildcard: 6 / 6

Tone of the thread – for both of you the tone of the thread, with its narrative voice, has highs and lows. It has some effective parts, with a strong serious edge that is humorous at points and gets more terrifying towards the end. You write this well together and keep up with each other’s change of tone.

Final Scores:

Flamebird: 78

Hayate: 69

Rewards to follow shortly.