July Vignette

[Philomel]

Vignette Commentary and Rewards

This vignette more or less became that for July and August, so I would like to thank everyone who took part. It was also one of my suggestions for a prompt, so I was really excited to be able to judge this and see what became of it. Overall what I really enjoyed was seeing how people answered the prompt differently, from using a traditional take on it, to a more unconventional one. It was honestly really hard to pick out a winner.

The prompt was:

"Your character undergoes a spiritual and/or religious experience. It can take the style of any form that you choose, so long as it in some way goes with the prompt."

Commentary:

Yvonne:
I really like the way you combine the current story arc for the whole of Althanas in the Feature Quest as well as your character's personal one. It gives an idea of when this experience is set. The transition going into the spiritual experience is also believable, and although one that does exist has powerful evocation of hope in a situation when the world is falling apart (literally) and groups of people would gather in order to find answers. The change from past tense to present tense also separates well the event to the vision itself well, with a definition of what is real and what is (possibly) in her mind. This is also helped by the fact that she seems to be some form of animal (there is a reference to 'fur' and 'urge to howl') although this is not explicitly said which shows cleverness of prose. The pacing is a little fast, and the whole vision sequence perhaps could have been more developed in general, but you have a good voice none the less for both Yvonne and the evil, which has a tendency to repeat the last word. There was a spelling mistake, where you used 'breath' instead of 'breathe,' and this can be helped by just reading back over what you have written out loud or in your head before you post. This method will also help with pacing. Overall, however, powerful and emotional.

Flamebird:
You start really well, from the get go grabbing the reader's attention, letting them know this is a dream, and causing them to want to know what is going on. You have some great use of vocabulary and technique here, with the inclusion of words such as 'discombobulated' and a steady, detailed description of her becoming trapped by the vines. There is a reminder that she is in a dream throughout, when you describe the forest as 'dreamy' and state that the figure 'simultaneously shouted and whispered'. There were a couple of spelling mistakes with a space before a full stop, and 'soo instead of 'soon,' and a quick read over will help here before submission. All in all the pacing started off and was for the most part brilliant, although it could have done with a build up to the sentence 'They wrapped around her four limbs, capturing her' which I feel could have come closer to the middle or the end of the paragraph, as it sounds quite final. I would have liked to see more description of the creature, however for content he was an excellent addition. The doom-saying was fantastic, and you link with current events occurring with Althanas, making this particularly thought-provoking.

Ulrich Craggenmore:
Personal and provoking, your piece meets the criteria well of the prompt, and also lets the reader know more about Ulrich and where he comes from. This seems like a pivotal moment in his life that is written with care and precision, and is a really good example of how a vignette can be a snapshot or a slice of life. It is short, precise and has good pacing, as well as rise and fall of tension, with a very good sense of foreboding at the beginning, from when the master knocks the initiates out, to when Ulrich rises. With rich description you carry the story well, with a mixture of minor and complex sentence structures as well as some good metaphor: 'Fatigue still clawed down at him'. The one thing I noticed is that you have a tendency to capitalise random words, such as 'fur' in 'fur as black as night,' that should not necessarily be done so. Nevertheless, this does not stop this post from being superb, with use of onomatopoeia, denouement and alliteration ('bound by blades'). This particularly makes your writing stand out from others.

Lilthis:
You start with a reveal of Lilly's character from the beginning, and are able to grab the reader's attention. Why is she sneaking in through a back window, is the question. It becomes more interesting when it is revealed she has snuck into an auditorium for a music recital, under which she has a spiritual experience. There is some great use of alliteration here with 'winding and weaving' and a rich variety of sentence starters. Your description of what religion is is powerful, and makes the reader think, as you merge this general theory into a story itself. Filling the piece with sounds, beautiful description such as 'lips kissed rosewood' and positive words such as 'joy' give a mellow tone to it, and show what can also be perceived as an experience that fits the prompt. Overall this piece is short and sweet, and though does not have much action in itself, is effective. Some words are unusual - 'frenetic' - and others are steady and traditional - 'violent twist' - yet you write brilliantly, letting the reader become absorbed and feel the sound as much as hear and read it.

Sulla:
Taking a different stance on the prompt than others you show a view of general religion from a sceptic mind, but one that gives thought and is in itself a spiritual experience by being a discussion with a prophet. The pacing in your writing is steady and builds drama well, introducing both Sulla subtly, and also the prophet, who is remarked as being kind to the poor. Linking to this you later have them discuss his actions in the city, which keeps the thought fresh and does not make the earlier description void. The general discussion is of a philosophical nature and it allows the reader to truly think as they read it, and so in a way have an experience of their own. Description is strong in your piece, with some mixture of sentence structure, great use of simile and imagery in general (‘his voice was like honey warmed at the hearth’) and also use of the first person which sets the central character well, and how they are experiencing this. In terms of story there is a definite line of narration, which ends on a cliffhanger, wherein the reader wonders what is going to happen next as Sulla takes out his razor. There are some particularly good moments of word choice, that set a serious tone, and some additions of persona in internal speech. You cover almost everything of the Althanas rubric in this piece well, and the issue is some capitalisation where it is not necessary ‘The State’ and capitals of ‘He’ after some speech. This, however, is arguable in its proper place, and overall the only fault is that I want to know more!

KaliWenn:
Similar to Sulla you answer the prompt with a different kind of spiritual experience that was unexpected, but met with it powerfully. The idea that Kali is coming to Eluriand to seek out an experience after leaving his home as a necromancer is particular and sets the theme of death well. This theme, along with the general idea of mortality, is centralised in your piece and carried through word choice (‘stiff and cold’), technique (alliteration with ‘runework and rituals and the sway of spellsong’ that give the idea of the dark art of necromancy’) and repetition (‘a song of …’). The pacing is well developed, and has a good rise and fall of action, and you choose to add detail to the background at the correct moments. The beginning of the whole piece pulls the reader in and the story keeps them gripped throughout. Everything from what death smells like to the idea of the ghoul, or the half-living elf, is described beautifully, to the extent where the reader feels like they are part of the story. There are no obvious spelling mistakes, there is only one issue with a mistake in paragraphing with 'But he just had to see this place for himself,’ which can easily be fixed. Overall though it is an unusual link to the prompt and by far not traditional it has a certain energy to it and is spiritual at least in terms of literal spirits.


Sulla wins!
With KaliWenn and Ulrich Craggenmore coming in close second.

Rewards:

Yvonne receives 200 EXP.
Flamebird receives 350 EXP.
Ulrich Craggenmore receives 160 EXP and 150 Gold.
Lilthis receives 150 EXP.
Sulla receives 200 EXP and 200 Gold.
KaliWenn receives 160 EXP and 150 Gold.

“Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy