My heart galloped like a war horse in my chest, the pain of anxiety almost crippling. Had I already not been laying in the fetal position I would have curled into a ball. The whole in my chest set a blaze at the fresh feeling of loss for my sweet Nymeria. Her life was taken because of me, a skaeth, a being of pure darkness. My dire wolf had fought to her bitter end to protect me, something that had been gifted to me so many years ago and now I was here, alone and suffering because of how selfless she had been. I could feel the sting of emotions in my nose, the burning sensation that erupted from my tear ducks. With all the tears I had shed I could have easily drown myself in them, that or the emptiness that I felt since being alone. A shaky breath parted my lips as I tried to pull myself together again, but once I fell over the edge of self loathing it was nearly impossible for me to return.

The hatred and disgust I felt for myself was something that could have been considered self destruction in a way. I didn't deserve to live, to breath while others had suffered at my hand, at my negligence to know what exactly I was and how to control it. The dark thoughts to end it all and just drink myself to death or ask the girl that comes to check on me once in a while to bring me the things for a sleeping tonic, to make it extra strong and float into the darkness of oblivion.

"My Goddess, Kinley. Pull yourself together you miserable retch." I said bitterly to myself.

Though ending my life was tempting I owed it to Nym to live, live for what I was unsure but she had given her life for me to live. I pushed myself into the sitting position, pulling my knees tightly to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs. If anyone could see me know I probably looked like a small, half starved child. My hair still pretty damp from the shower, it fell around my face like a mess, the mess that I was. The pain that I felt constantly inside seemed to be eating its way at me, from the inside out. I felt like a hollow shell of a person. Things that once held so much meaning to me now seemed to be just a constant reminder of who I wasn't anymore.

A musician that no longer played an instrument, not that I could because the day they had ransacked my cottage they destroyed my music room. An artist that no longer found beauty in the darkness of somber feelings. A girl that used to have such an innocent look on life on herself now bitter and cold. I was a completely different person and rightly so in many aspects. My world had crashed around me and instead of rising above the defeat of it all I had sunk into a deep, dark depression that seemed to eat me from the inside out.

"May the Gods have mercy on my soul when this life of mine does end," I whispered softly.