OK, so first one of these I'm doing, hopefully it isn't too terrible. Wait that's already coming out weird.

So. Hi Fennwenn, I thoroughly enjoyed your thread. Just wanted to get that up here first. Now then, on to the review/critique/comments section/peanut gallery:

Post 1

Alright, so something was bothering me about this post the first time through that I read it, but I couldn't quite place what it was. Everything made sense and was setting up the scene nicely for a juxtaposing entry into a horror situation. Glancing at it a second time I figured it out though:

The cart driver, if curious about this, feels like she waited too long to ask. Instead of having her entire (one-sided) conversation happen after Fenn and Daugi (and I straight up love that name) have already gotten off of her cart and walking away, maybe she could have been asking him some of these questions as they were coming up to the mansion, but before they actually stopped? As it is, it works well for a narrative explanation of the environment, but it feels a bit hollow in terms of the npc interaction. And even then it is mostly just a matter of pacing when she is talking at Fenn - maybe this could lead to him trying to ‘talk’ back at her with his hand signs and her not understanding, but that's really just extraneous. Other than that pacing issue, this was a strong introduction.

Post 2:
Another solid post with good flow. For the majority of it nothing is wrong - a few odd word choices and grammatical hiccups for the most part are the only things that bothered me here, and some of that might just be regional differences. Piece by piece feels wrong, like he's looking at the very boards of the house, and might be better served by room by room maybe? But as I said, that could just be a regional variation.

One part did jump out at me as disjointed though when I was reading through it a second time:
“Fenn crouched by the bed, lifting up the covers to peer underneath. No stone could be left unturned, no reach unexplored, no door unopened. That manuscript could be anywhere. The dark underneath the mattress unnerved him. There was a skittering sound, like a small animal moving about on spindly legs. A shudder ran through the small Fae. All the same, not really knowing what he was or what he could do was unnerving him a lot more these days. None of his excursions into the frozen wastes of Salvar had given him any insight into his kind. The lack of understanding about his heritage caused complications. Fae were very different from the other races. He didn’t understand how his magic was supposed to work, he wasn’t sure how -- if even if -- he would grow up, and he was just dying to know if they were all voiceless, or if that was his own flaw entirely.”

This paragraph feels awkward and clunky, and doesn't flow anywhere near as smoothly as the majority of the thread. It feels like two wildly different thoughts occurred here in one paragraph, and could have instead been separated out into two or maybe even three paragraphs - one addressing the topic of Fenn starting his search, one that talked about under the bed, and one that talked about his lack of understanding of his heritage. As it is now, it feels a it rushed, like thoughts ran together unchecked.

The rest of the post is well done, but I have to ask - what happened to the spider after Daugi came in the room? It isn't mentioned again despite the fact that it was trying to get out from under the old quilt. What happened to poor spidermom whose eggs got squashed and chilled? Justice for spidermoms!

Post 3:
AND BEGIN THE HORROR.
That feels like it should be at the top of this post, because Hoo boy thing take a drastic shift in this post. We go from kid exploring spooky abandoned mansion that he has been warned away from, to “no for real, bad juju went down here.”

So the leading up allusions are well done, and subtle on the first read through as to not stand out overly much. The theme of salt and cold being inimical to the fungi is well established by the time it becomes important, and that is a beautiful touch to accomplish.

My main ‘problem’ with this post is mostly that the realization of the fungi in the eyesockets seems kind of an afterthought. Nothing draws his attention to them that is mentioned (no talk of a movement in the dark drawing his gaze, or the head suddenly rolling towards him) so it feels a little wonky that “oh yeah there's a skeleton, she looks like she was hiding, and oh hey she's got mushrooms where her eyes should be.” Not bad per se, and not a real problem, but just something to think about in the future.

Post 4:
On my first read through, this post felt the weakest to me, and even then it was mostly just word choice that bothered me. The real things that got stuck in my craw for some reason were “if it weren't for all the books”- I feel that this should be “if it wasn't” instead - you're referring not to the books themselves, but rather the selection of books, the collection, which is a singular entity rather than a plurality. That feels a bit like nitpicking though, since it could be argued that you're referring to the books directly, and not the collection. The next thing was “his squirming gag reflex” - I don't know why exactly, but squirming feels wrong, and out of place, like another word would have suited it better. That goes back to region differences though, that might be a common turn of phrase where you live.

This next thing, and I know it's nitpicking but blame teaching classes: book titles should be underlined. I know, it's stupid and it's small, so take it for what it is worth, which is just black pixels on a screen if you disagree.

A second read through comment: it might be interesting to start having very, very mild synesthaesia start when the sound is first heard at the end of this post? It becomes a major issue for him later, so maybe teasing at it here would not have gone amiss?

Post 5:
Primarily in this post, I feel like using ‘twitched’ and ‘twitchy’ instead of ‘itched’ and ‘itchy’ is what you meant to do? Or maybe this is regionalities rearing their head again. Overall a strong post that builds nicely to what is coming.

Post 6:
Again I feel like early hints of the synesthaesia that is about to play a huge role might do well here, but I can understand if you're saving it for the end of this post. That aside, holy guacamole this post cranks the eldritch dial to ten. Sentient, hungry fungi is disturbing enough, and the concept of it being… Aggressively synesthaesic is terrifying, because that implies mental assault. But that's not reviewing the writing - and I am not going to, because this is a strong post, well written and paced, that does exactly what it sets out to do in my opinion.

Post 7:
Daugi is good Daugi who deserves many treats for her protection of her boy. Ahem. The shift in sentence flow, though mild, feels well suited to the fact that we are essentially focusing on a different character from the previous posts. If this was unintentional, keep it up and consider how to more seriously incorporate it, because it works well in this situation. Moving on from another strong post.

Post 8:
Eldritch nastiness and defending dog. There is a well-captured sense of futility here in Daugi’s actions, as she tries to defend Fenn and fails. It also shows her intelligence - when she realizes that even with Fenn’s unconscious magic they cannot fight this thing, she flees, and chooses the best route, despite the fact that it could hurt her greatly. Futility and desperation are showcased in this post, and done well.

Post 9:
I feel like the word ‘he’ needs to be capitalized in here a few times, because it's following after his questions. Even though you're placing them not as quoted sentences, they -are- his method of speech, so the same kinds of considerations need to apply I think. I didn't notice this being much of a problem in the other posts, so maybe this was just slip up because you were ready to be done.


Alright. Overall, this is a well written story arc, that reminds me if something though I cannot quite place it. It flows smoothly, though at times a bit disjointed since we seem to get Fenn’s thoughts mixed in with observations of the environment or what's happening - almost like you're trying to decide if you want to write in first person or third, but can't decide which. I do feel like differentiating what is actually Fenn’s thoughts from the main flow of the piece (normally accomplished by italicizing, maybe you could use underlining, or switch to underlining for his hand signs and italics for thoughts, whatever works) would help clean this up a little.

But overall the critique is low, as the quality of the arc is high. Good work!