Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

Though I don't know much of your work I rather enjoyed the premise of this narrative. The introduction created a compelling reason for the rest of the lengthy story to unfold and gave me an idea of why this was all happening. It made the follow through feel much more purposeful and enjoyable in that respect, as it gave me a reason to see this through. The setting, as Atzar mentioned, was present throughout the way and neither its absence nor its overabundance disrupted my experience, which was nice. It felt exactly as it should. My only criticism is that at times, the jumps between scenes and events was a touch rattling, though not terribly so.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

I think one of the neatest elements of your narrative was the uniqueness of the participants. From your BFF, to mother, to the geisha, and Mr. Mushi, and of course Phi herself - they all had a distinct voice and identity that I could pick out, and at the very least, archetype. That's actually a rather helpful tool as a reader since this is such a brief story that I have to do my part in filling in the gaps as a reader. This generally made the story feel like it made a good deal of sense, and the unfolding of the events fit as well. I will say there were a few actions that fit a bit less... accurate. For example, I still am not exactly certain about the inclusion of the rioter that traveled to follow, and his intentions. I also squinted a bit at her jumping out a window 7.5 months pregnant. But generally speaking, I had no real issue.

Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

As Atzar mentioned, and as I discussed with you, this was quite littered with error. As that wasn't your focus at all, I'll pass on the particulars. Overall the clarity was there, and the only gaps were from the pacing issue mentioned above. There were a few dips of technique to give this a bit of flavor as well, but nothing too tricksy (Golum voice from LOTR).

Wildcard

This was actually a rather enjoyable read quite honestly. I think you have great imagination and vision, and a gift for storytelling. I look forward to our campaign, as the voice won't include typos.