Disclaimer: I'm coming at this in the mist of reading an 8 book epic and I'm on book 4, so perspective matters.

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

This is tough. The first half seems to be hunting down and looking for any signs of the believers of the tenets Nevin was raised with, and still believes. It exposes a new branch of the church, followed by an initiation, which in Nevin's case involves an unmasking followed by a second unmasking. But with the hints of what this scarlet ritual is, I still don't know enough of what transpired to piece things together. There's a lot of context missing, and that's what I feel could have added more to this thread. Perhaps adding a prologue that tells of the ritual, or even scattering flashbacks throughout the story, could have given me a better understanding of the importance of stopping this creature. Understanding more of what differentiates Nevin from this creature and their different colors would also help me understand what's happening, and why Nevin cares so much about destroying this place. I just feel like this story is such a tiny fragment and lacks the proper information to stand alone in such a way that I can come in and get something fulfilling from its brevity. I know that's a huge challenge of writing on Althanas, so I'll let you decide what it means to you.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

Following Nevin's emotional state becomes trying, especially later in the story. It's less and less clear whether he's feeling fear or anger at various points, and as the author, you switch between the two while saying it's not one or the other. You tell me he's furious, so much so that he snaps and loses control, but his behavior during the battle seems very rational and he's reflective as he fights. Then, when porcupine mode happens, you tell me he should feel fear but doesn't. Once it ends, you tell me trembled, calming himself down from the fear.

I could not wrap my head around why he drained and packed up all the empty tendrils. I also can't say I know much about Nevin's personality after the thread, which is unfortunate.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

This is an area where I think you could hone your skills quite a bit. You have a mind for the storytelling, but the struggles arise in presenting it. There are plenty of small mechanical errors, such as typos or misused words or words that don't even exist (what is frission?), and rereading your thread to clean that up can take you a long way. The other major thing I'd ask you work on though is clarity. There is a fine line in overstating details and giving a vivid picture, and I think you tend to cross into the former far too often. When reading becomes so dense that it ends up being difficult to follow, you lose your reader. This is especially true when entering into a combat encounter, as giving the play-by-play of every action can become overboard. I'd recommend trying to be more brief in your sentences and descriptions. Though I see you are trying to add a personal touch and flair into your writing, as though you're telling the story verbally, it's important to remember that this is written narrative and follows different rules.


Wildcard

Don't use colored text. Dialogue should be clear regardless of color.

Also, tentacle porn.

Also, change your last name.