This is a work in progress and I iwll do my best to get all aspects covered before the due date
Lost it all...so starting again...*cRIES FOREVER*




Plot
Story 8/10
The story is pretty standard cookie cutter stuff here. It's a first time meeting thread so characters are always a little standoffish/wary in these sort of things, but what I liked is how they met. Felicity had a mission in mind, a goal - one that was quickly stated to the reader and made obvious so we knew what the thread was going to be about. Her fixing the issue with her rage

So we had a great introduction.
PLOT IS STILL BEING WORKED ON

Setting 5/10:
Setting was initially described well; I had a very good picture of what was happening with the shop and what it looked like. But after that it felt like the two characters were just sort of there

There were times where things could hae been added; like Felicity sat down on the counter, but was it full of things? was it empty? Generally shop counters have things that would prevent someone sitting on it

It's great to describe a setting but it's also important to continue to interact with that setting. As Felicity was sitting at the bench, she could have been scratching at a particular knot or mark in the woodwork

Things were described well, I had a clear vision of where they were and what they were doing. I knew what the items they were interacting with looked like too. Interacting with setting also improved slowly throughout the thread. So overall, pretty good job!


Pacing 7/10
I am not a fan of things that are dragged out for no reason. This didn't occur here, from the first post we saw that Felicity had an issue she needed fixed and by the third post both characters were already discussion what that issue was and how to fix it. Some posts were short, but they didn't end abruptly and most flowed quite well from one to the other.

Especially since it feels like this may be one of the first posts you two have written together so you're still getting a feel for each others character.

I did feel the flashback wasn't needed, and could have been described in a short paragraph. It broke the pacing for me. Flashbacks are a funny thing, sometimes they work, they help the reader get an insight to what happened and why, the issue here is we already know what happened and why. It worked as a mechanic which I will describe later on, but initial reading it did seem a bit jarring.

The thread was very conversation heavy and I felt like some more actions could have been thrown in to break it up a bit. But I do get that it is difficult to do when getting a feeling for the other character.  - PACING IS STILL BEING WORKED ON


CHARACTER
Comunication: /10

Still being worked on... need to re write this ahahaha


Action /10

Still being worked on... need to re write this ahahaha

Persona /10

Still being worked on... need to re write this too, my life...


PROSE

Mechanics 4/10
Flamebird, I noticed you had a few spelling errors dotted throughout your posts. Some are quite easy to miss. Others could have easily been caught with a quick read through. Another thing i have noticed is your overuse of commas, especially in the first post. This creates a run on sentence or pauses where you wouldn't normally need them for instance;

She opened the door. As she stepped inside, she observed her surroundings. <i>Herbal Magick</i> was a small, humble shop. The lab had neatly organized, narrow shelves with a diversity of potions and medications<br>
I would have it as 'As she stepped inside she observed her surroundings.

This is one simple sentence, it doesn't need to be broken up. Same goes for 'the lab had neatly organized narrow shelves with a diversity of potions and medications.'

The best way to overcome overusing commas (and this is something I still do often) is read the post aloud and see if it makes sense. If it feels off when you're saying it out loud maybe you don't need the comma there.

Nevin; you have a similar issue on occasion but its not so glaringly obvious. You also missed quotation marks on a number of occasions when using speech, I had to re-read a few things to figure out if Nevin was talking or not.

Unfortunately there were a lot of broken sentences and overused commas which bought this sore down. There were also some errors with spacing, and a quick read through of the posts on the forum could also help this, as I know sometimes copying over from a gdoc to the forum can be a bit messy format wise.

Overall, I recommend reading things out aloud and double checking for spelling errors and grammatical errors when submitting to workshop.

Clarity 6/10
Most things made sense, things were described well and actions were clearly written. I didn't have any issues with knowing what was going on or when. There were a few slip ups however, for instance - there were times where there seemed to be a sentence missing.

neither hypothesis could really be tested now - it would need another person who
had been exposed to this serum who had been affected in a different way
to see if they displayed the same characteristics as Felicity did.


"Now now, Miss Felicity. There is no need to be so down.
Nevin; here you went from explaining alchemy to then commenting on Felicity seeming sad. There was no real connection to that nor was it mentioned that she seemed downtrodden in the paragraph that followed. Even just adding something small as a lead in like 'Nevin noticed her broad shoulders slump as her eyes fell to the floor.' gives the sentence a reason for being spoken.

Then there was a couple continuity errors, but this is me being really really nitpicky.

She took another sip of honey. "So the chemical itself and what's causing my temper tantrums are unknown." Her eyes widened a little when he spoke of reducing the effects with a potion, then went onto his apparent blood magic.
It says she took a sip of honey, but they were described as hard candies earlier. (Then I think they were also mentioned as honey sticks?) In this one post it switches from a liquid to a candy to a liquid. Keep an eye on that. If it is a honey drizzled stick, it should be explained better from the start.

Beyond these few stuff ups everything was clear and I had no issue with what I was reading and imagining what was going on in my head.


Technique: 5/10
Flamebird definately did this a lot more than Nevin at least in the case of metaphors which I enjoyed seeing here and there:

and sat criss-cross applesauce on the counter.
Her heartbeat started to race like thunderous horse hooves
They weren't encumbering and didn't overshadow the writing which was nice.

Beyond the metaphors there wasn't a lot of foreshadowing or symbolism or literay devices like that. It was more or less a straightforward thread. I came into it knowing what it was, what it was going to be, and as the outcome came about, it was pretty clear on that.

Am adding points for some of the change in text size etc. that Flamebird used, I am a fan of using that to help convey various nuances in emotion.

This is also where the flashback came in, whilst clunky at the start - later on in the thread when Felicity is having her blood drawn it gives a clearer insight to what she is going through; so it's a little bit of a hit and miss. It's good to see that so we know what is happening when her blood is being drawn, but where the flashback was- it felt misplaced.

STILL WORKING ON TECHNIQUE




WILDCARD
STILL WORKING ON THIS TOO