Because this is a continuation of a completed Guided Quest, an extra 5% exp has been rewarded in addition to the base exp for the quest. Congratulations!
Plot
Storytelling 5
I enjoyed seeing where you took the characters and events in the GQ, though there was something to be desired in the telling of the story. I would have liked more about Welkan's past, the conflict between the paladins and the elementals, and other details that were foregone.
Setting 3
Here and there, you could really set the scene, but for the most part it felt as if the characters were behaving in a void. There was so much focus on the people and less on the surroundings.
Pacing 5
Character
Communication 4
I didn't get much of an idea about your characters through what they said and did as much as I did from statements in the narrative. I feel that you could have really shown the idealism of the paladins or even given more meat to the elementals. Here you have a tribe of beings that are shown as so much beyond the mortal realm but we never really see that. We never see exactly what makes them different, the wisdom of years, or what the power of the tap does to their conscious. They felt almost too human, if that makes sense.
Also, there was a bit of repetition between dialogue and the narrative that cheapened the dialogue. Make your character's words count and help you to tell the story. An example of what to avoid:
He had someone waiting for him back home. "Herratya..." Elthas began. "I have someone waiting for me back home."
Action 6
Persona 3
As I've touched upon in Communication, I would have liked to see more meat to the personalities of your NPCs. As far as Elthas goes, we know he's honorable, determined, and intelligent because those are the things that we're told he is. His honor is shown in his refusal to kill without necessity, but where does that come from? All of these attributes are never really shown in any way other than this shallow portrayal. It's almost as if we're watching a puppet show and we go away knowing that one puppet is the honorable one, and one is the crazy one, and one is the target, but at the end of the day, they all kind of meld together and all we really remember is that we saw a puppet show about insanity and determination, honor and death.
I really would like to see more depth in your NPCs most of all. I got a small glimpse at Welkan, more than I saw of the elementals, but there was so much potential there for you to show. You showed him as a good man who got in a bad position with the wrong people (his debt to the Syndicate) and you showed that he could go pretty far when it came to protecting the people he cared for, but I feel that the torture scene lacked depth. Wouldn't a good man feel uncomfortable with this sort of interrogation? If this is part of his determination to protect the others in his town, I would have liked to see how that passion won over his conscience. Or perhaps he could be a good man and still be fine with torture because of some conditioning in his past? I never really could know, because it was an aspect of character that begged to be explored and stayed untouched.
Prose
Mechanics 5
For the most part, it was clean and without too many errors. However, I do notice that you have trouble with plurals and using homonyms. For instance, you used bare (exposed/uncovered) in the place of bear (to carry/hold) when talking about someone carrying a weapon.
Clarity 6
Technique 4
There was some instances of simile and metaphor that I found particularly striking. However, one thing I want you to keep in mind is your target audience. You use a lot of plain, straightforward statements in the narrative, with few moments of finesse. You write in such a direct manner, that it feels almost as if I'm reading a children's book. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. After all, Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit have different writing styles because Tolkien wrote The Hobbit as a children's book, and well, I just really like it much better. However, it feels as if the story that you want to craft is intended for an older audience, with more maturity to understand the nuances that I can see you trying to impart on your characters. Stylistically, your technique needs to mature as well. At one point you talked about the wisps in the air being like a tapestry. Expound on those connections and really draw me into your head, and bring more terrifying imagery to the villains and players in the narrative to help it live up to the tales that you craft.
Wild Card 4
Total 45
Elthas_Belthasar gains 1109exp and 300gp
He also gains as a spoil the iron and leather gauntlet. Any power/enchantment the gauntlet has needs to be cleared through the RoG in character updates.