[SOLO]To Hunt a Storm.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

Some time later...

Elthas found himself standing in front of a familiar location.

It was the hometown of his people, the Elves of Ruild.

He was standing in the middle of a graveyard. Recent dead, as well the dead of his forefathers and Heroes of the past. Elthas stood in front of the grave markers for Halm and Ellysia Belthasar. Elthas placed flowers on both of their graves, and took his mother's locket. He placed it on the grave as well. Elthas felt the wind coming in from the East, his hair and clothing rippled with the breeze. The grave marker was fashioned in typical Elven markers. His face was serious as he stood there, thinking about the recent events that had leader him full circle back home. Elthas was freely crying. He wore a trenchcoat, and a fancy three piece suit. His fedora was tipped at a slight angle as always. He was thinking as he stood there...thinking about the woman that had changed his life. Hylda Terrentius. Elthas was speaking in a soft whisper, mostly for his own benefit. Nobody was around, and he'd come back to town a few days earlier. He knew he could say what he had to say and not be judged any longer. Elthas was a broken man, and as such, accepted who he was at that point. He looked at the empty sleeve which contained no arm in it. The arm he lost. Elthas carefully returned his gaze back to the grave marker of his parents.

"I've fucked up a lot." Elthas accepted the mistakes he'd made in his life...they were part of the broken man he had become. "But I'm tired of running now." He knelt down to his Mother's grave and touched the earth there. "You two can rest peacefully now. I'm home...and I won't run away ever again." Elthas said.

Elthas felt someone familiar standing behind him. Elthas's brother, Drathis Belthasar addressed him. "Brother, it is time."

Elthas turned to look at his Brother, Drathis, for a long moment. He nodded. "Aye. I have been away for far too long, it's time to fix the mess I've created." Elthas looked at the grave markers for a long moment. Then he turned to walk towards his brother.

Elthas looked carefully at his Brother. "They would have been proud." Elthas said.

"Xu Bellaparte and his followers were corrupting the Great Tree." Drathis said. "We have to repair the damage he caused."

"Drathis. I need to tell you something." Elthas said.

"It can wait. We have a lot of work to do." Drathis, now an acting General of the Ruild Elves, looked at his brother. "By your orders, my liege." The general bowed and looked at his brother.

"Aye. The hour is upon us. We must prepare to face a storm..." Elthas said casually.

And the two brothers walked back to the ancestral home of the Elves, together...side by side...would they walk across eternity together.

No longer enemies.

But the blood bonds that tied were repaired, and the damage that Xu Bellaparte had caused their people would be fixed in due order.

Elthas had returned home...

~FIN~

[Philomel]

Thread Title: To Hunt A Storm
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Elthas_Belthasar

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Plot: 17/30

• Story- 7/10

The story that is told here is one of adventure and violence that takes several sharp and shocking turns. Overall it is an action-filled tale, and the general story line is a good one. It is strong and has both character development, continuing from the last thread you wrote, and over-arching plot for both a Power Group and the possible future for Althanas. One possible weakness is, however, that you rely on tension throughout the story, it is the driving force of your piece. There is little calm in it, every post has a new revelation and as well as affecting Pacing this also affects the power of the plot. You have a great opening post and this is a calm before the storm (pun-intended) but it seems that you go something into a wild sea tempest rather than a calm storm. Try to add dabs of further calm, posts of conversation to ease your reader into each important part of action.

• Setting- 5/10

You lead with a good description for your main setting (the cave), full of simile in post 2 with, “The rocky tunnel into the earth had a cavernous opening that reminded him of the maw of some great beast,” and this puts you in good stead. However, in general your first post lacks much in terms of setting description, which really, to set a story there should be. Seeing as most of your story is set in the cave you do miss some easy pointers, you could have in using it to your advantage for both action/plot (blood dripping into a pool of water, light hitting off the uneven wall) and more powerful Technique. Other setting is clearly done and laid out, with the changes from cave to room to the Tribunal room, but you have opportunity to improve in this area.

• Pacing- 5/10

The thread opened very well, with a well-written introduction and a prophecy of sorts that then becomes fulfilled. It is steady and slow and reaches well to the climax of the fight between Storm and Elthas. Overall, however, Pacing is far too fast. You use quick words and change from point to point rather fast without much rest-bite. Rather, in these moments, you could add some description or simple conversation that gives a moment of calm before the next great climax. Pacing in the fighting is better than the overall plot, but becomes lost somewhat in your larger paragraphs. What is good is your ending, and the hope at the end. With longer posts, or more posts and more description you could definitely improve here, but encouragement to play to your strengths highlighted.

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Character: 18/30

• Communication- 5/10

Elthas has a way of talking here is good in response and in dealing with every situation. It is somewhat strange, though, that he uses some colloquialisms such as “man” to address people and “crazy old man” to address Storm. He does retain something of his nobility, and at points you can hear in his speech the fact that he is a leader of a tribe. However, in general what it would be good to do is to find a way for him to talk that is fitting of his past and current situation,
else it is very wavering. This is your weakest part of Character, though points are rewarded for question and answer, and handling such things as the conversation with his mother in post 7 very well, maturely as one might expect Elthas to act.

• Action-7/10

Action is perhaps your strong point here. You address each blow of his sword with good language, and follow the strikes through completely. They are each dealt with in a strong fashion that is fitting with Elthas’ character and abilities. Aside from combat the Action is similarly strong, if a little fast-paced, and it is somewhat realistic, such as Elthas being drowsy when he is hurt etc. It is slightly odd that he is able to get up so easily when his arm has been hacked off, for the blood would most definitely knock him out cold, not allow him the strength to talk to his mother. Partially it is understandable for it is revealed in post 8/9 that it was all an illusion, however remember that at first the reader does not know this, and so to reveal such a plot twist you need to keep up with a degree of consistency.

• Persona- 6/10

Persona is pretty good throughout, with some internal thought by Elthas that reveals something of him inside. He has a good personality that affects some actions, and is steady in general. There is clear determination in him, in post 7 “I have work to do...yes...work…” but also a strange about of self-condemnation in his madness that is confusing but definitely adds to his insanity. You write the insanity well (though it is questioned of its existence in posts 9/10) though try to make it clear despite the issue.

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Prose: 17/30

• Mechanics- 6/10

Mechanics is done more or less well with the right punctuation etc. A couple of times you do have spelling mistakes, such as “cannibus” which should be “cannabis” post 2. Overall everything is correct, however you could definitely, to make things clearer, add either more ambitious punctuation such as semi-colon etc or have speech entirely on its own paragraph, rather than in others which have action. Your emboldened speech, though obviously meant to make the speech/thoughts stand out is somewhat distracting, so consider using this just for shouted pieces of communication. It is also inconsistent, for in post 1 you have no such speech, but the rest follows thus.

• Clarity- 5/10

Clarity, unfortunately, is a casualty of your Pacing here, or vice versa. Though (as seen in Action) your moments of combat are clear with each strike, the overall idea of the plot gets confusing. This may be deliberate for when you want to drive home the idea of Elthas (possibly) going mad, however for a reader this is not good. They need to be able to follow the rise and fall of climax and be able to be eased into the story well. See Story and Pacing for more suggestions of improvement. More or less one can follow the story, but it is in the small details where things get confusing.

• Technique- 6/10

Technique is a good strong point here, though somewhat unclear when it is trapped in the larger paragraphs. When found, however, by the reader, it really brings home some powerful actions and other important story issues. Technique ends the story well with, “But the blood bonds that tied were repaired…” in post 11. One thing you could work on here, however, is when building up your staring paragraphs order things in better sequence. For instance, in your last post you set a scene, with three lines and then a larger paragraph and in that larger paragraph have a sudden description of what Elthas is wearing. It would be better to have this at the beginning, perhaps as, “Dressed in a three-piece suit, he was standing in the middle of a graveyard.” Try experimenting a little and you will get better.

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Wildcard: 6/10

Wildcard goes to the overall amusement of the title mixed with the metaphor of a storm. It was really strong and struck home the idea of ones personal demons and how to deal with them.

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Final Score: 58/100

Elthas_Belthasar receives:

• 1230EXP!
• 10 GP!

Congratulations!

Rewards are reduced for a spoil reward that is approved of the following description: Two titanium daggers that are not enchanted and of minimal quality.

As a member of the AP Pilot Programme this costs Elthas 5 AP points for this full judgement.

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added