[TTC] Business as usual. (Closed)

[Elthas_Belthasar]

(Conclusion Post)

For some reason, the gesture meant more to Elthas than any other event he had ever gone through.

He watched Invetisto's true form, it had been one of a few other time's he'd actually seen it. It always put his mind in a positive place seeing the true form of his friend. Elthas considered Invetisto his BEST friend. He would follow the fellow to the ends of time. And without knowing it, the two had made a pact that day between themselves. A pact that would endure for all of time. Elthas gently shook his friends hand, it was surprisingly strong gripped for someone so small. Elthas gently held Invetisto hand with grace and a lot of care. They shook hands, his eyes never leaving his friend's. Once they released their grip, Elthas stood up and waited for Invetisto to return to his metallic body. The clockwork body. Elthas thought about what the next few moments would mean to The Trading Company's future and well being.

He was NOW leader of The Trading Company. He would not allow the weight of his new mantle to affect his overall method of thinking and operation. He simply would just BE. He wanted the transition of leadership mantles to go as smoothly as possible. It had been a long time coming, but Elthas knew it was what was RIGHT for The Trading Company. He looked at his friend for a long moment. He felt a bit teary eyed about the whole situation. He wanted to cry with joy and happiness, but he decided to do so in his own time. He needed to be STRONG to be leader of The Trading Company. And someday, he knew, that they would have to defend their ideals and way of life against enemy guilds. He put his hat back on and looked at Invetisto. "First order of business." Elthas suddenly said, and began his first executive order as LEADER of The Trading Company. He was now boss.

"I promote Invetisto de Masinoj as my NEW Quest Monitor." Elthas said. And with the transaction complete, Elthas prepared himself for the tasks at hand. He adjusted his hat briefly. "Then he looked at his friend briefly. I will meet you outside my friend. There is work to be done." There was no rest for those who would change Althanas forever. And it would be so for The Trading Company as well.

~FIN

[Philomel]

Business as Usual: Thread Link
Judgment Type: Basic Judgement
Participants: Elthas_Belthasar and The Inventor

Strengths:

From both of the writers there was a strong opening, which thrust the reader directly into the action. For a Power Group thread this was especially engaging and caught interest from the beginning. The description of the room and the sense of life was particularly a strong point from both of you, really capturing the image you want to, of a hard-working environment, which reflects the Trading Company itself, in which an intriguing story can take place.

The development of the thread is likewise a powerful one. Though the setting changes to a quiet room you build the tension effectively together with the short and long posts, adding further few words and conversation until it is completely revealed that Elthas is due to take over. This was especially strong in posts 7 to 10.

In terms of characterisation, both of you conveyed your characters well and truly, using believable dialogue and understandable behaviour. The relationship between them was clear with Investito's air of power and pride, and Elthas' humility, something which served you both very well. Excellent description overall of each, conveyed in literary techniques such as stacatto sentences, where you have a single clause as a single sentence to emphasise a particular thought - "The clockwork body." post 11, Elthas_Balthasar - and also a good use of metaphor - "with a look that could probably freeze a balrog" post 4, The Inventor.

Weaknesses:

Throughout the piece there were a number of simple spelling errors by both writers. These are just random drops of letters and a loss of capital letters and so on. It also might help, The Inventor, to write The Trading Company, or the Company even, instead of TC in your initial post, just to help the reader know what sort of thread they are reading, and who might be concerned in it. Try using a simple spellchecker or skim-reading it just before you post. This will help both of you.

In particular for the Inventor, within your first post (post 2) the flow of the piece was cut off slightly by your change in tense, from past to present. Acknowledgingly these tenses were used to particularly describe how the bricks in the hall's walls appeared, but it can appear confusing and awkward when both are set in the same sentence, such as in (important verbs underlined), "The walls were covered in stone that has a globe etched into each brick that is then filled with gold." Even if you use the past tense for the description, such as in "has" and "is" it still makes sense as far as the writing goes. It would help to bring the story around and allow reading easier.

For Elthas_Belthasar, one thing that would help your writing is to space out dialogue from the paragraphs, and give each new time of speech its own line. This can really help the ability to read it, and makes things clearer for you, when writing and maybe editing. It is also the commonly considered proper "form" of writing. Though you do use colour and bold/italics to highlight some areas of speech (post 9) it would also help to use paragraphing and spacing. Try to read it back to yourself when you have finished each post, and at each natural pause place in a paragraph.

Awards:

Elthas_Belthasar:
Experience: 630 EXP*
Gold: 68 GP

The Inventor:
Experience: 400 EXP*
Gold: 53 GP

Contratulations!

*Includes a minor amount of discretion to round up.

[Alyssa Snow]

EXP & GP Added!