[Closed] An End and a Start.

[Elthas_Belthasar]

A familiar scent touched his nostrils when he awoke some time later.

It was a honey mint tea and it filled the tree-constructed house to it's very core. Morning was upon them, and the sun shone brightest after their darkest hour passed. Elthas awoke and stirred slowly. His body was incredibly groggy and sore from the entire ordeal they had all gone through. Elthas felt different, he knew it would affect him a lot to take mantle of leader away from Xu...but he'd not expected that. A part of him half expected Xu Bellaparte to beat him, but the battle had been a decisive one. With his friends present, he'd overcome great adversity to claim the mantle now on his shoulders. Elthas felt at ease for the first time in many long years. He felt as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, he could once again be himself. Elthas sat up in bed and stretched lavishly. His body slowly returning to it's normal capacity. Once he'd rubbed sleep out of his eyes he slid out of bed and decided to inquire who was the mystery chef brewing up such a great smelling tea.

Elthas made his way to the kithen area of the "house" and realized that he was following his instincts. He knew the house completely by heart and it had gone almost unchanged from the house of his early youth. Part of him made him regret that he'd abandoned his home-town in pursuit of the old alliances many years prior. His pursuit of the old alliances and his sometimes, stubborn views on that had lead him into a great deal of trouble. Including the mess with Xu Bellaparte. In leaving behind his hometown, it had all gone to shit. It was no longer the paradise of his early youth, but those aspects of the small kingdom could be restored. It would once again be a shining gem in Corone. Elthas was surprised to see his brother, Drathis Belthasar, and several other Elves male and female present in the kitchen and living area.

"He is awake." One of the male Elves said casually he was in full guard attire. He was a guard that Elthas did not recognize.

"Your friends left a few days ago..." A different Elf said. She was probably talking about Philomel and Mister Draak, their crew as well.

"I figured they would have left, how long have I been asleep?" Elthas had to know.

It was Drathis who spoke next, he'd been preparing a meal for everyone present. Drathis also seemed entirely different from their initial encounter when Elthas and his crew first arrived at the town. He no longer bore any hostility towards Elthas. "About a week." Drathis said calmly. The tea pot began to whistle, signalling that it was ready. "Father would have been proud of you..." Drathis said calmly. He shook his head shortly after that and readied a goblet of tea for Elthas. "You fought like our fore fathers fought. You gave everything to save us." Drathis continued. "Elthas...what will you do now?" Drathis asked, there was a certain sincerity in his question.

Elthas took the goblet of tea and took a long pull of the liquid. He was hungry and thirsty, he'd been asleep for a long time. After he'd taken a long pull of the hot tea, he looked at his companions. "A long time ago, I was exiled from this kingdom for helping a Hume. An old Hume named Seth Terrentius. That changed my life from then on. I honoured the old alliances." Elthas continued. "But now the circle has come completely back around and I have taken the mantle of leadership. I intend to stay and help repair the damage that Xu Bellaparte and his followers caused us." Elthas felt completely recharged after the long and peaceful slumber.

"Brother." Drathis began saying. "She must have meant a lot to you. For you to risk everything to come back."

"She meant everything." Elthas frowned, and a shadow passed across his face for a brief moment.

And as a family, the gathered Elves spoke and began to plan in the house that Clan Belthasar once held. That same house would lead the Elves of Concordia Forest to a new age of prosperity. Elthas Belthasar was now chieftain of the small kingdom. And his tenure had began.

~FIN~

[Rayleigh]

Hello to you both! Thank you so much for your patience as I finished up this judgement and put it through the training process. If you have any questions at all about anything I've said here, please feel free to shoot me a message. I would be more than happy to go over it with you.

Thread Name: An End and a Start
Participants: Philomel and Elthas
Judgment Type: Full Rubric

Plot 16/30

Story 5/10
Overall, this was a nice story of loss and revenge. Our two heroes, Philomel and Elthas, met under some pretty unique circumstances. Though they never really seemed to get along, or forge much of a relationship, they worked together to defeat a common enemy; Philomel was prompted by Mr. Draak, and Elthas was driven by the desire for revenge. The opening post provided the necessary background information, and the closing gave the reader some idea of where things were to go from there. The story featured a nice mixture of action and reflection. Though there were issues that complicated the overall clarity and flow of the story (which I will touch on later), you did a nice job telling an exciting story. Overall, my biggest concerns with your story were not with what you had, but what you lacked. There were times when I found myself wondering if the story was a bit too convenient, for example, being able to simply follow a set of footprints back to the lair of your biggest foe. Elthas had a long and complex past with Xu, so how was it that he was able to find him so easily? Elthas even notes that he had no idea how to find Xu, yet they stumble across him in that same post. This was, in some ways, a pacing issue. However, it felt more to me like a plothole that was not quite filled in, or a point that was not fully elaborated on. While it would be impossible to predict every single question or misconception a reader may have (believe me, as a teacher, I've tried), try to make everything as clear as straight-forward as possible, especially when dealing with lore that is specific to your character's own background. Holes may make sense in your head, but your reader may not know enough about your character to fill them in. Remember to make every story you write accessible to any reader, even one who has never heard of Elthas before!

Setting 4/10
While there were instances of rich description, I did not feel like enough of it focused on the setting itself. There were attempts at painting a picture for the reader, such as the scents Philomel smelled in post two, and Elthas’ short description of the chamber in post seventeen. However, these instances were in short supply. Even more than mentions of the setting, I would have liked to have seen more references to it throughout the posts. Weaving the setting into the story itself allows the reader to see everything the way that your character is, and experience things right alongside him or her. I mostly pictured the events of this story taking place in a big meadow, and a sort of Avatar-esque camp. A bit more description when it came to setting would have really helped me place your characters in their surroundings.

Pacing 7/10
This was one of your strongest areas. As I mentioned above, you both did an excellent job of incorporating both high-action scenes and low-action scenes. After each battle, you allowed time for discussion and reflection. Just when the dialogue-filled bits began to grow stale, you threw in a burning wagon or an ambush. While there is still room for improvement, namely in the long introductions from post three to post seven, overall pacing was well done. I also think that addressing some of the concerns to come (action, technique, and clarity) would result in a higher pacing score.

Character 15/30

Communication 5/10
Communication was alright here. There was nothing spectacular that really jumped out at me, but there were no instances where I was overly bothered by it either. I appreciate the way you both incorporated languages specific to your character; that added extra depth to your story, and made it a bit more believable. In a land such as Althanas, with its many languages, it would be unusual for everyone to speak in common all of the time. Dialogue between Philomel and Elthas seemed detached and impersonal, which I imagine was what you were going for, given they never create much of a bond. Body language was one area that I feel could have been utilized a bit more, specifically in Elthas’ case. Don’t simply state that your character delivered a line awkwardly. Go on to describe his fidgeting, or the uncertainty in his eyes. As the age-old saying goes, “show, don’t tell.” Don’t tell the reader what your character is doing or feeling. Show them! For a specific example from this thread, you write about the anger that Elthas experienced in the first post through your dialogue – “he yelled,” “he shouted,” use of exclamation marks, etc. Try moving away from emotion exclusively in dialogue, and focus on how his movements would mirror his words. I think that will make those scenes even more powerful for the reader!

Action 4/10
While I did enjoy the way you switched from combat to non-combat at the perfect times (as noted in Pacing), I felt the action itself was overdone, especially in Philomel’s case (refer to posts ten, twelve, and eighteen). Recently, I wrote what I felt was a fantastic fight scene. When I began showing it off, a number of writers informed me that it was far too much. I had listed every step my character took, describing the swinging of her sword and the rippling of her muscles in great detail, but instead of making the fight scene come to life, it had actually bogged the reader down. A three-paragraph run-in with a simple NPC can easily be shortened to a few key sentences that really drive the plot forward. Do not describe things just for the sake of describing them, and make sure that every action that your character makes is important. I would encourage you both to keep this in mind. I know from experience that it is a hard lesson to learn, but I do think that more is less in scenes like this.

Persona 6/10
For the most part, you both did a nice job of staying in character. Philomel remained the headstrong, capable faun that she is. I enjoyed when you discussed her awkwardness in post eighteen. It hinted that Philomel was not always in control and entirely sure of herself. I truly believe highlighting flaws this way really adds depth to your character, and I would encourage you to continue doing this sort of thing. Elthas continued to act out of rage, with revenge being his biggest motivator. Your characters did not stray too far from these roles, which was fine, but I actually would have liked to have seen something a bit more dynamic for a higher score. Elthas, you did a very nice job showing the wide range of emotions that your character experienced in the first couple of posts, but he grew a bit flat through the second and third pages. It is fantastic to have a character so consumed by one emotion, but if you don't allow him to experience anything else, he can grow less believable, and a bit stale for the reader. Of course, not everyone has to have a character that laughs, cries, and screams in every single paragraph, but sprinkling in emotions other than anger can add extra depth to your character.

Prose 13/30

Mechanics 6/10
There was a distinct lack of obvious typos here, so very nice job to both of you. With that being said, there were problems that resulted in re-readings and clarity issues. There were a few issues that may have been word choice or tense changes. Elthas, one specific instance of this is in the first post, when you wrote “Estelle said in respond.” You may have meant to write “Estelle said in response, or “Estelle responded.” There were also some missing words. Philomel, in post four, you write “Philomel caught the key from mid-air, examined it.” Adding “and” into that sentence would have been an easy way to make it flow a bit better. I had to go back to re-read, thinking I had missed something. I love short sentences, but they get confusing when key words are left out. Finally, you’ll both want to keep an eye on your punctuation. There were a few missing commas, while others were posted in unnecessary places. These are small tweaks, but they can really help keep the reader entirely engrossed in the story you’re telling. You’re both skilled enough writers to avoid errors that spellcheck would catch, but be sure to read the thread aloud to yourself to catch those issues!

Technique 3/10
I hate to hit you both with a score like this, but this was your weakest category. It is not enough to simply use the techniques; you must you them effectively. Elthas, I think that there were a number of missed opportunities to use some really cool techniques. For example, in post seven, you write “Hylda went limp and died.” You could have done so much more with this bit! Close your eyes, and picture being in your character’s shoes at that moment. What is he seeing? What does it look like when she draws her last breath? What emotions wash over him? Now, write it! Letting yourself get lost in the story as a writer will help your reader do the same thing. Philomel, you had a tendency to do the exact opposite, leaning too heavily on unnecessary description. For example, in post four, you liken Draak’s nostrils to “impatient volcano craters, bursting open to melt the world.” How would nostrils melt the world? I think that you were trying to describe them as large, and that his breathing was erratic, but just say that. “…large nostrils flared impatiently” works just as well, and avoids the strange comparisons that caught me up a few times throughout this story. As I noted above, make sure that every description is there for a reason, and doing some sort of job to help you story. Too little can harm the overall experience, but too much can do the same.

Clarity 4/10
Due to the issues I have already outlined above, I did have some trouble getting through the story. In a few posts, I found myself struggling to read on, trying to determine how some of the description I was being presented with was relevant. In others, a lack of setting sort of left the characters hovering in a setting that my mind crafted for me, with little guidance from the description you provided. Despite all of this, there were many posts that read really well. Your skilled pacing really helped you here.

Wildcard 7/10

I’m giving you a fairly high wildcard because I believe this story has a lot going for it. While some of my critiques may seem harsh, and my scores low, you’ll notice that the things I commented on were quite advanced. Knowing when to describe something and when not to is a skill that most people have not yet mastered, myself included. Your characters were great, your plot was great, and overall, your story was great. But how can you take great, and make it better? I would encourage both of you to keep pushing yourself. You’re excellent writers, and I expect better-than-great things from both of you!

Total Score 51/100

Philomel receives 1,100 EXP and 105 GP
Elthas receives 1,050 EXP and 115 GP

[Hysteria]

EXP and GP added!